Targeting Target
by Bird That Flies At Dawn
Summary: Target, a place for low prices, great popcorn, and crazy psychotic pirate vampires...? Wait, that doesn't sound quite right... But the Cullens love chaos and random dancing, or as Jasper would say, "I love Target. You know who else I love? Joan Rivers. Yeah, you heard me. Joan, if you're reading this, hit me up. Wink wink." Wait...what? CRACKFIC
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Okay, so I really have no excuse for writing this...I have WAAAAY too many stories that I am working on right now. But I just could not resist the urge to write another crack fic. That's right, unlike my other angsty-everybody dies-I am thoroughly traumatized-fics, this is going to be another of my die-hard crack fics. ABSOLUTELY NO PLOT! It kind of goes off of "Walmart and the Waffle Theft," but since I already wrote a sequel to that fic, this is just going to be different...I guess. As with most of my other crack fics, the chapters are short and sweet, but they come often. Every day probably. Okay, I hope you like this crack fic! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I do not profit from this fanfiction in any monetary way. Obviously the same goes for the other stuff I used that is clearly not mine (*cough* the Macerena *cough*).**

**Renesmee POV**

**OOOOOO**

"Alice, stop trying to molest your sister!" Esme screamed, flailing her arms wildly and getting dust everywhere from the feather-duster in her hand.

"I was doing no such thing!" Alice argued, her position much like Esme's.

As they continued bickering with a side of Rosalie, I turned around, hoping to escape the crazy. Instead I was met with Emmett and Jasper dancing.

It was just Spanish at first, and I couldn't tell what it was, but then the usual, "Hey Macarena," came, and I was incredibly disturbed.

"My eyes!" I shrieked, falling against the wall. "I'm blinded!"

My mother and father were upstairs. I think they mentioned something about...broken headboards and feathers...? Whatever that meant.

I, now without sight and scarred for life, stumbled to the door. "I am leaving. Have fun, you crazies! I'm going to the store where I can find some peace!"

I could hear the room go silent as I slammed the door behind me.

"Wait, where did she say she was going?" Esme asked.

I hurriedly ran as I heard all of them dashing to get to the door. Luckily, they needed to be sent back to Kindergarten because they were all trying to share a doorknob. Six people cannot share a doorknob. It just isn't possible.

So, with that, I sprinted, already knowing my target.

Target. What a wonderful place to hide and try to heal your disturbing emotional wounds.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Another chappie? Already! Yesh. I know. I'm a winner. :) Anyway, thanks so much to everyone that reviewed! I really appreciated it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I do not profit from this fanfiction in any monetary way.**

**Renesmee POV (will change soon in the future)**

**OOOOOO**

Target was actually quite an odd store. The workers were either extremely depressed optimists or just plain out bipolar. Which I wasn't sure, but it didn't really matter...they creeped me out either way...

"Hello, welcome to Target!" one worker shrieked at me, her eyes so wide that I thought they'd pop out of her head.

"Yeah..."

"Would you like to buy a pack of batteries?" she asked cheerfully, her teeth nearly breaking through her cheeks.

"What the hell am I going to do with a pack of batteries?" I asked as I looked down at the load of batteries she was trying to force into my hands.

"Use it to power stuff," she ground of between her teeth as she slipped and slid across the linoleum floor, still trying to push the batteries at me.

"I don't want any batteries," I told her, trying to hold her at bay with normal human strength.

"But they are so wonderful!"

"LISTEN TO ME YOU ARSEHOLE! I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR BATTERIES!"

The worker pouted and moved away, allowing me to flee deeper into the store. It was a good thing I did too...

"RENESMEE? WHERE ARE YOU?"

It just wasn't my day.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: OML, I'm so sorry I didn't update yesterday. My computer broke! This happens a lot. I'm just going to warn you. I'm usually at least able to get on though...but yesterday I couldn't.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I do not profit from this fanfiction in any monetary way.**

**Rosalie POV**

**OOOOOO**

"Would you like to buy some batteries?"

Alice just stared at the worker. The worker stared back.

Weird...

"What are batteries?" Alice finally asked after what could have been hours. I was so annoyed that I was trying to remain from hitting her over the head with a shopping cart. Patience was not something that came easily to me.

"Batteries help you power things!" the worker exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air.

"Like my urge to dance?" Alice shrieked.

"YES!"

They began to sing the Spanish words that no one but them knows of the famous Macerana song.

" Heeeeeey, Macarena."

The crowd echoed with the scream part.

"What is with people doing the Macarena?" Of course, everyone ignored me, instead choosing to continue dancing.

"Move on!" I yelled at a mother who was staring, holding her open mouthed daughter. "She has tarantism. It's rude to stare."

"I'm blinded!" the woman screamed, running from the store with her kid right behind her.

"You shouldn't have stared." A perfect example of why people should listen to me.

"It was the war of wars. The guns shot things. The canons shot things. Heck, even the knives shot things. I had this horse. Bucky, you see? He tried to..." Jasper went on, preaching his tales of war to a listening crowd that was growing by the minute.

I walked over to a wall and started to bang my head on it, leaving a pretty big dent. "What is wrong with you people?"

"Heeeeeey, Macarena."

"AHHHHHAA!"

**AN: Tarantism is a disease in which you have a sudden urge to dance. Sometimes it's said that these urges appear often when the person is distressed/stressed. IDK. I figured if Alice was confused it might spark an urge...but it is Alice...she doesn't really need an excuse.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Okay, my laptop broke again last night after I updated. I was not happy. I had to get it fixed again! Anyway, thanks to everyone that reviewed and read this story. I really appreciated it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything else used in this story, and I do not profit in any monetary way from this fanfiction.**

**Renesmee POV**

**OOOOOO**

You know that moment when everything is quiet and you're at total peace? Yeah, me neither.

"Give me the ball! I want it!"

"They're my balls!"

"Not those balls! The bouncy ball!"

A girl and her brother stood on their toes, noses almost touching. They were arguing over...balls..? Yeah...definitely not normal.

Well, when life gives you random fighting kids, you answer by dancing crappily in the opposite direction. If there was one thing I learned from my Aunt Alice, it had to be dancing.

"Can't touch this!" I shuffled across the floor, ending with a kick. The kids stared, their mouths agape.

Then the boy smiled huge, shouting, "OH MY GOSH! A DANCING PIRATE!"

It was official. I could not get along with kids. I made a decision then to hang out in the condom aisle. Surely there would be no kids there.

I found the condom aisle quite easily, and I wasn't surprised in the least that it was one of the largest in the entire store. Of course, I couldn't find my escape there.

"What's the best type of condom?" a ten year old boy asked a worker who I deemed to be another crazy one for helping a child decide on a condom brand. I walked over to a shelf and banged my head on it in a very Rosalie-like fashion.

Kids just couldn't be kids.

There was something wrong with the world.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I am having supreme computer problems. I was actually worried about failing computer class because I was so behind...anyway, back to regular updates!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I do not profit from this fanfiction in any monetary way.**

**Renesmee POV (I can't help it...I really like her POV...)**

**OOOOOO**

"A pencil? Don't you have those?" I asked desperately, tired of trying to communicate with the foreign man. I personally had nothing against foreign people, but it wasn't fair for Target to hire someone who couldn't even speak English!

"Pillow? That in aisle six," the man replied, pointing behind him.

"NO!" I screamed, throwing my arms in front of myself angrily. "I want to buy some pencils."

"Paper?"

"No. Pencil."

"Panda?"

"NO! I WANT A PENCIL!"

"Pepper?"

"You are no help to me or the rest of American society," I complained turning on my heel.

"Glad to help you! Have nice day!" the man said, waving at me.

With desolate hopelessness, I approached a nearby wall and gave it some more head dents. At least Target had taught the man to answer robotically in some kind of English. I had to give them credit for that.

"Yeah, Shane Dawson rocks!" a teenage girl who was most likely a hipster or a loner reject swooned, pressing her hands to her heart. "I want to date him."

Me, being a normal person, also loved Shane Dawson, but I didn't brag about it to the world. He tended to be really rude and crude, and a lot of people didn't approve of that.

"Yeah she's a sexy lesbian," the creepy guy next to her replied, nodding his head.

She turned to him quizzically. "Uhh...he's a guy."

"What? Are you serious?" the man asked.

"Uhh...yeah," the girl answered.

I walked up to the wall again. Poor wall. It certainly got abused a lot when I visited the store.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: So much for regular updates. Sorry about that!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I never have and I never will.**

**Rosalie POV**

"And then there was the day I shot someone with my knife," Jasper babbled to his large crowd.

"Knives can't shoot anything, Jasper," I corrected him.

"You don't own me, control freak!" he spit in my face. "You didn't live through the war like I did, and from my own experience I tell no lies."

"Of course you don't."

Jasper turned around melodramatically, his eyebrows twitching. "What did you say…Alice."

"I'm saying that you lie all the time, liar," she said, stepping forward to meet him.

"Name one time when I lied." Jasper crossed his arms, waiting.

"About my makeup at the restaurant, about that red skirt, about Bella's rodeo, about where Renesmee was, about where you and Emmett were fishing, and especially about the Civil War." Alice smiled smugly.

"Ohhhh! You just got burned!" a random kid in the crowd yelled.

Jasper and Alice continued glaring at each other in silence, and it was then that I realized that both of them had forgotten about finding Renesmee. "Okay. While you two do…that, I'm going to go and try to find our niece."

"Have fun with that," Jasper said.

Alice just nodded.

With a loud sigh I turned on my heel and started searching for Renesmee.

Hopefully I could find her before Alice and Jasper came to their senses.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: I told you there'd be regular updates!**

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming stuff.**

**Renesmee POV**

I was about to find a new hiding spot when an unexpected sound reached my ears.

"FOOOOD!" roared about fifteen shapeshifter werewolves as they ran through the aisle. I watched with wide eyes and an unhinged jaw.

I even saw Jake amble past!

"Jake!" I shouted, hoping he'd hear. Jacob turned around, spotting me through his packmates' ruckus.

"Hey, Nessie!"

"What are you doing?" I asked loudly, trying to be heard over the deafening wolves.

"Oh," Jake screamed back. "We're shopping for dinner tonight."

I figured I knew what that meant as I saw them filling up three grocery carts. Those wolves needed to thank whatever God decided to not let them get fat.

"Well I guess I'll see you later then!" I shouted, waving.

Jake waved back and then turned around, helping his buddies through random food items into their carts.

"Fatties," I mumbled, heading off to find a new hiding spot.

I narrowly missed Alice as she passed me, humming some random tune. I sighed with relief, settling into a new hiding spot behind a bookshelf. I thought that it was perfectly hidden. Well, at least I did until I felt a cold hand grip my arm.


	8. Chapter 8

**Renesmee POV**

"Alice? But I just passed you," I said.

"Or did you?" she questioned, wiggling her eyebrows.

"No, I did," I told her.

"Well I'm like a ninja!" she suddenly screamed. "HIYA!"

I leaned back a little to avoid her flailing limbs. "Okay there, Alice. Tone it down a little."

Alice just rolled her eyes. "Whatever. But seriously though, let's have some fun."

"What are we going to do?" I asked, standing up.

Alice smiled. "Let's just say it'll be a while before anybody even realizes that we're not at Target anymore."

OOOOOO

"I thought you knew how to drive!" I shrieked as we almost hit another car. Alice swerved again, turning around a corner and almost flipping the car over.

"I never said I was good at it," she protested.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ALICEEEEE!"

"We're almost there anyway," she said as she turned another corner.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll she," she said with impatience. "Just hold on."

"Fine, fine," I agreed. I honestly just wanted to get there already because I was pretty sure if we didn't get there soon Alice was going to crash the car. Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by Alice running us into a pole, the air bags coming out and pushing me far back into the seat.

"ALICE!"

"We're here!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Renesmee POV**

"You took us back to Target?" I asked incredulously.

"Where was I supposed to be going?" she questioned.

"Anywhere but Target!" I exclaimed.

"Oh…should we take another road trip?" Alice turned to me for an answer.

I tried to decide if I would rather stay at Target where my family was searching for me viciously or go on another unstable drive with Alice. I picked the drive. "Yeah, come on now."

"Yay!" she squealed, stepping on the petal and making us lurch forward. Well, I was thrown back into the seat, but the car lurched forward.

I was starting to regret my choice, but I didn't want to turn around now. By now everyone would have realized we were gone, and it would be twice as bad if they found me now. Alice would also be very upset if I didn't go on this drive with her, so I just decided to endure it.

"We're almost there," Alice told me.

"Where are we going?" I retorted.

"I said that we'll be there soon," Alice snapped back.

I sighed and let it go, leaning back into the seat. We'd be there soon anyway.

"We're here!"

Okay, sooner than I thought.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: I just got off a plane, and I am totally exhausted, but I still wanted to update so I didn't disappoint you guys. (I did promise regular updates, remember?) Anyway, my point is that if this chapter isn't that good or if there's a lot of mistakes it's due to the fact that I'm so tired from traveling.**

**Disclaimer: Too tired to disclaim.**

**Renesmee POV**

"Alice, what the heck?" I barked, staring in front of me. "Would you like to explain where we are?"

"This," she took a dramatic pause, "is a forest."

"No, I thought it was SeaWorld. Of course it's a forest! Now explain why we're here," I screamed.

"You don't have to be so mean," Alice whimpered. "You said anywhere other than Target, and I was pressured…and this was the first place I saw…and…yeah…"

I sighed and then slammed my head down on the dash, leaving a small dent and causing a bit of pain to run through the human nerves in my head.

"I'm sorry!" Alice cried.

I sighed. "No, it's fine. Next time I'll try to be more specific. Just get us out of here."

"Okay," Alice said, backing up her car. I was instantly jolted. I turned around to see what had caused it. We had hit a tree.

Alice looked at me worriedly. "Oops."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: The first chapter with Edward's point of view! Yay!**

**Disclaimer: Skip.**

**Edward POV**

"Where are the others?" Bella asked, looking around her.

I shrugged, having no clue. I was checking the minds of the people around me to see if they had seen Renesmee.

_That dancing pirate was really weird, _one girl thought, a picture of Renesmee dancing appearing in her head.

"I have found our dancing pirate," I announced.

"Our what?" Bella questioned, looking at me as if I was crazy.

I laughed loudly and a little bit like Santa Claus. "Ho ho ho. I mean I found Renesmee."

"Oh good," Bella said. "Where is she?"

"I don't know…" I trailed off. "But I know someone who knows!"

"Let's go then," Bella urged, looking excited.

"Let me lead you to the magical treasure. Arg!" I shouted, raising my fist into the air before skipping down the aisle.

I heard Bella walking quickly behind me as she tried to catch up.

"So what's with the pirate thing?"

I turned around to face Bella, now walking backwards. "I heard a little kid call Renesmee a dancing pirate in her mind. And it all makes sense now. We're not vampires. We're pirates!"

"WHAT?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Renesmee POV**

"Alice, you crashed the car into a pole. You crashed the car into a tree. And now you've crashed the car into a mailbox!" I screamed.

"The mailbox was like in the middle of the road," Alice protested, crossing her arms and pouting.

"Alice, I don't think it could have been any farther away from the road," I corrected. I turned and pointed to the road, showing her that it was at least ten feet away.

"Uh…mistakes happen?" she suggested, hoping it would work as an excuse.

"No," I said, "just no. Get in the car."

Alice tried to open her door, but the mailbox had dented it in so much that she couldn't without ripping it off. With a bright smile, she slid in through the open window.

"She is so hopeless," I murmured, getting into the wrecked car as well.

"Hmph." Alice continued pouting and started up the car, the engine making an odd noise before coming to life.

I leaned over Alice to check the dash. "Alice, this says you're almost out of gas."

"To the gas station!" she exclaimed.

"Try not to run into anything this time," I told her.

"Okay."

Once again, I was thrown forward and caught on the airbag. I looked back. She had hit the FedEx box.

"Oops."


	13. Chapter 13

**Bella POV**

"WE'RE WHAT, EDWARD!" I screeched again.

"Pirates of course," Edward answered as if it was the most obvious thing.

"What makes you think you're a pirate?" I asked, trying to calm down.

"Well," Edward started, "I sparkle because I'm full of gold."

"What? How did you? What? That doesn't even…" I stuttered, unable to comprehend his thought process.

"Yes!" he shouted, looking proudly off to the right. I turned and saw that he was staring at blank air, but I let it go as he continued, "And my name is Bronze-beard."

"Bronze-beard the pirate?" My eyebrows were knitted together like two pair of socks stuck in the dryer, and my mouth hung open as if a fish hook was dug in my bottom lip. As you can tell, I was very perplexed.

"Yes. Arg," he growled the last part, swinging his arm in front of him in a cliché way.

"But you don't have a beard," I protested, trying to get him to realize that he was being totally and completely crazy.

"That is irrelevant," he protested, waving me away rudely.

I glared at him, "Okay, I was about to accept all this dumb pirate crap, but then you put your hand in my face? I WILL SEE YOU LATER WHEN YOU DECIDE TO BE SANE AGAIN!"

Edward just stared after me as I stomped away, not even trying to catch up with me. What a jerk.


	14. Chapter 14

**Renesmee POV**

"Let me drive, Alice," I demanded.

"No, I can do it," she protested, pouting for the fifth time.

"Obviously you can't," I told her incredulously. This car was wrecked. I wasn't even sure how it was still running, and Alice thought she could drive? Oh hell no!

Alice said nothing and just continued her pouting. I wasn't Jasper, and I wasn't going to fall for that.

"Alice, I'm serious," I said.

"So am I," she replied.

"Let me drive the car," I ordered.

"No!" she whined.

"Let me drive the car!"

"No!"

"That's it!" I shrieked, flinging myself at her.

She caught me and we did little tiny slaps, mostly just hitting each other's hands.

"You wrecked the car," I said, hitting her upside the head.

"No I didn't," she retorted.

"Yes you did," I argued.

"AHHHH!" Alice threw me down and into my seat. "I am driving the car."

I huffed and sat up. "Fine. It's nothing to overreact about."

Alice glared at me and then put the car back into drive, various people honking from behind us.

There was a thud, a pressure, and the air bags in my face. I could barely even see the pole in front of us. I turned my gaze to Alice.

She laughed, rubbing the back of her neck nervously. "So you want to drive, huh?"


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: The fifteenth chapter! Yay! I want to thank everyone who reviewed because this story has made it to the fifty review mark! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the Macarena. Twilight is owned by S.M., and the Macarena is owned by…I don't know, but I do know that it was performed by Los del Rio. I guess maybe he owned the song too…maybe… I am also not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Rosalie POV**

"I can't believe my entire family is crazy. I mean Alice, that's understandable, but everyone else…No, just no…" I grumbled with disbelief, searching the aisles of Target unhappily.

The whole place reeked of Renesmee's scent, so she had obviously run around to try and throw us off. It was working too.

I heard some Spanish words that I thought no one but Alice and that worker knew.

"Heeeeeey, Macarena."

Another echoing crowd scream.

I froze up then, looking around in a daze. "It couldn't be, could it?"

I turned the corner, crossing my fingers and hoping against all odds. Unfortunately against all my wishing, Emmett stood in front of a crowd, standing on top of a large collection of cans and dancing to the Macarena. So I guess that not only Alice and the worker knew the Spanish words before the Macarena song, but Emmett knew them too!

Seriously, what was with people doing the Macarena?

"EMMETT!"


	16. Chapter 16

**Renesmee POV**

"Renesmee, drive more carefully!" Alice shrieked from the passenger seat.

Renesmee looked at the speed dial. She was going exactly the speed limit. Her driving was perfect! "Alice, will you shut up. You're just freaked out because you've never seen anybody drive this good before. Especially not so much better than you."

"That's not true," she whined angrily.

"Alice," I huffed, "everyone in the world including all of the things you hit know it's true."

"Personally I blame the poles, trees, and mail boxes for getting in my way, but call it like you see it," she told me, shrugging.

"I'm telling you that I saw you total this car just about. I'm not even sure Rosalie can even fix this anymore," I announced in annoyance.

"Hey, Renesmee?" Alice started.

"What Alice?" I sighed.

"Where are we going," she finished.

I paused in thought for a minute. We had gone to Target, then to Target again, then to a forest, but where were we going now? Gas! It was then that I remembered. "The gas station, Alice."

"Oh yeah!"

I was glad that we were finally sitting in silence. Alice had a habit of not shutting up…ever.

"Oooo! The car game. I'll go first. Yellow."

Never mind.


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Look! Two updates in one day! I know. I'm amazing. Anyway, I'm adding another one mostly because I had to delete four of my stories and edit chapter three and fifteen of this story because fanfiction is majorly cracking down on songfics and lyrics in stories. So long story short, I'm updating twice…yeah, I already said that. Anyway, thanks for the reviews, favorites, and alerts!**

**AN 2: Sorry if you thought this was a new chapter. I had to re-upload it because blah blah blah. It doesn't really matter. Anyway, there'll be a new chapter later!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Bella POV**

**OOOOO**

I turn around for one second, and then poof! Edward's gone. Where could he have run off to? I started to check behind things, furiously sniffing the air. Unfortunately, my sense of smell turned out to be no help because of all the various smells from people and disgusting human food items. It was just my luck too. Hey, I think I'm going to go to Target and lose my husband today! Yeah…no…

"Hey, Bella!"

I turned around at the sound of the shout, and I did a double take. If I had been drinking anything—which I wouldn't unless it was blood because we vampires are just too cool for that—I would have spit it all over Edward's ridiculous, red striped pirate costume. Parrot included.

"Squawk!"

"Arg!"

"OH MY CARLISLE. EDWARD, WHAT THE HECK!"


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: Sorry about the mishap with the last chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Unknown Stalker's POV**

I watched as the blonde vampire—and yes, I was positive they were vampires—looked up at his caramel-haired wife. "Hey, Esme, where are the children."

"They went to Target, remember? We all tried to get to the door at once and Renesmee ended up getting away so they followed her. Ringing a bell?" Esme threw the book she had been reading to the side, waiting for her husband's answer.

Carlisle shrugged. "Nope." Then, his eyes widened and he seemed to realize what Esme had just said. "OH MY CARLSILE! THEY'RE AT TARGET!"

"That's what I just said."

"This is a job for," he stopped to spin around and pull out a badge from his jacket, "the vampire police."

"What are you doing?" Esme asked without enthusiasm, not really wanting to know about Carlisle's insane hobbies.

"It's a new TV show," Carlisle said, "and I want you to be my partner for solving crime."

Esme's gaze held her wariness about the idea, but she took the badge he held out, deciding it might be fun to join her family in messing around for once.

"Vampire Police to the rescue!"

Not if I was there to stop it.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Again, thanks for all of the reviews. All of the crazy ideas you guys give me really inspire me and help me with the chapters. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Renesmee POV**

**OOOOO**

"Thank God we made it in one piece!" Alice exclaimed, jumping out of the car and kissing the ground.

I rolled my eyes. "Stop overreacting, Alice. I drive perfectly fine."

Alice waved her hands and started screaming.

I growled quietly. It was only loud enough for Alice to hear, and she immediately shut her mouth. "Alice, be quiet. If I had let you drive we probably would have ended up hitting one of these gas holder things," I pointed to what we get our gas out of, "and exploded."

She grumbled quietly but didn't argue any longer. She started walking into the gas station with me close behind her.

Alice walked up to the counter and murmured, "Gas."

"Uh, what?" the man said, leaning closer to her better.

"Gas," she repeated.

"I'm sorry, but what did you say?" he asked.

"I said gas, stupid! I'd like to buy gas for my wrecked yellow Porsche!"

Oh _now_ she realizes she ruined her car. I see how it is.


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: Thanks for all the reads, review, alerts, and favs! Also, please review and let me know what you think or just give me suggestions. The more ideas you throw out there the more chapters this story will have. Also, sorry that I haven't updated in a while.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Renesmee POV**

"Alice, please stop abusing the poor guy," I sighed, putting my hand to my forehead in frustration.

"Give me the gas!" Alice screeched, grabbing his shirt and lightly shaking him back and forth. I'm sure what was light to her felt like an avalanche was raining down upon him…in human terms that is.

"I already told you that you have to pay first," the man whimpered, probably wondering how in the heck any girl could possibly be that strong.

"Oh, here's a hundred," Alice said, handing him the bill.

He glanced out the window and spotted our trashy, beat up, banana-yellow, wrecked, dirty, dented, abused, barely running and yet still attractive in that vampire way car. "Um…I don't think it will take a hundred dollars to fill up the tank."

Yeah, probably because the tank would start leaking as soon as we began driving. I didn't voice my opinion though because Alice would probably not agree and try to throw me through a wall or something.

"PUT IT ON!" Alice screamed.

I really felt bad for the guy…and the car.


	21. Chapter 21

**AN: Here's lucky chapter 21! Thank you for all of the reviews. They give me major crack fic inspiration. 3 – That's my love for all of you and your comments, views, favs, and alerts.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Bella POV**

"Edward you are not a pirate."

"The life of a pirate. That's the life for me!" he chanted.

"Life for me!" squawked his bright red parrot. I had to admit, the parrot creeped me out with its lazy eye. What kind of parrot had a lazy eye? Oh, that's right. Edward's parrot.

"Edward," I repeated, "you are not a pirate. You are a vampire."

"Lies!" he screeched. "Lassie, you are trying to steal my buried treasure!"

"How can I be trying to steal something that is buried and that you don't have?" I asked incredulously, ready for Edward to regain his common sense.

There was a pause, and then Edward claimed, "I am a pirate!"

"Edward, you are a vampire. Do pirates drink blood?" I questioned, hoping he'd realize there was no way he could be a pirate.

Edward looked me straight in the eye and said, "The evil ones do." Then he tilted his head up and clenched his hands into claws, laughing maniacally. "Muhahahahahahaha."

Oh great. Not only does my husband think he's a pirate, but he thinks he's an evil bloodsucking pirate that sparkles because he's full of gold. He has been hanging around Alice waaaaay too much.


	22. Chapter 22

**AN: Okay, so an Alice POV chapter was requested, and here it is! Anyway, what POV do you want next? Do you want Renesmee who is looking out for her crazy aunt, Bella who is trying to convince Edward he's not a pirate, Alice….who's just plain crazy, Edward the pirate who's full of gold, Rosalie the vain and angry vamp, or the unknown person's POV? Tell me in a review and maybe your request will be next chapter's POV!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Alice POV**

Somehow I had convinced Renesmee to let me drive the car again. She was such a reckless driver. I thought she was going to kill us because she was going so slow! She said she was going the speed limit, but we all know those don't really exist. Silly Renesmee.

"Alice, slow down! You're going to get us killed!" Renesmee shrieked. She should trust me. I haven't killed us yet. Well, the car's not doing too good, but that's not my fault! It was the other drivers. They were all going way to slow, and those other objects were way in the middle of the road.

"SHHHHHH! I know what I'm doing," I snapped, doing the hand in the face and head bob thing. It was pretty sweet. I decided I had to do it more often. It would be my thing.

"ALICE!" Renesmee screamed. "I never should have agreed to let you drive the car."

I pouted. Why was she being so nasty? I was taking us to another surprise and she was yelling at me? What a meanie.

Renesmee sighed. "Where are we going anyway?"

Before I could answer, a siren sounded, bright red and blue lights flashing behind us.

"What holiday is he celebrating?" I asked, pulling over to get a better look.

"Alice," Renesmee hissed. "That's the police."

Yeah, but what holiday was he celebrating?


	23. Chapter 23

**AN: As always, thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story. It means a lot! Okay, so Unknown Stalker's POV was requested. Review and request a POV…or guess who the Unknown Stalker is. Whoever does gets homemade virtual brownies! YUM.**

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming.**

**Unknown Stalker's POV**

Okay, either these vampires were seriously bipolar or…no, that had to be it.

"Carlisle," Esme sobbed, falling to the ground, "there's a kitty over there."

Carlisle army crawled over to it. "Vampire Police to the rescue!" He grabbed the cat with one hand and lifted it into the air. It puffed up into a huge furry ball and began hissing wildly. The vampire didn't seem to notice though and danced around in a circle. He looked like an idiot.

Esme sobbed harder, rolling around on the sidewalk, falling into the street at one point and almost getting hit by a car. In the car the people screamed angrily and flipped the two vampires off, honking the horn rapidly. Well, I would say those people weren't pleased by the Vampire Police.

I was getting really sick of them and their stupidity. I jumped out of the bushes, screaming, "Halt!"

Esme turned her face up to me, and Carlisle dropped the cat as he spun on his heel to face me. I wasn't sure, but I'm pretty sure the cat flipped him off before it ran away. Weird.

"What are you doing here?" Carlisle asked.

I laughed, pointing my invisible gun at them. "Sorry Vampire Police, but I'm the Human Police, and you're under arrest for abusing that cat."

"Wait, I thought you were the Human Police, not the Cat Police."

"That's what you think. MUHAHAHAHA!"


	24. Chapter 24

**AN: Okay, since there were no POV requests for this chapter, you can request a POV for the next chapter! **

**Also, sorry about not updating yesterday!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Alice POV**

"So do you like chicken?" I asked, staring at the policeman and waiting for an answer.

"Alice!" Bella hissed.

I turned to her and shrugged, wondering why she was overreacting. All I did was ask a simple question!

"Ma'am, let me see your license," the police man ordered.

What was his problem? I asked a question! "Wait, do you like chicken or not?"

He glanced behind me for a moment, and I guessed he was checking out Renesmee. It made sense with us being vampires and all. His eyebrows rose in a silent question, and I wondered if Renesmee was telepathic or something. Was he checking her out and mentally talking to her? That never happened to me!

"DO YOU LIKE CHICKEN!" I screamed. I was getting really frustrated with him not answering my question. Weren't policemen supposed to be all helpful and stuff?

"Ma'am, I need to see you license." He then held out a bright, shiny gold badge.

I gaped at him, mesmerized. "Whoa, so you have a car that lights up and a shiny badge?"

The policemen face-palmed. Was it something Renesmee said?

** AN: Sorry about the confusion with Bella and Renesmee. I mixed up their names!**


	25. Chapter 25

**AN: Okay, first I want to thank everyone who has stayed with this story to see its twenty-fifth chapter. YAY! Second, an Edward POV was suggested…so yeah, you're getting an Edward POV. Third (I know, so many numbers. UGH), sorry about the Bella and Renesmee confusion last chapter. I fixed it now. The reason I confused the names was because I was reading my story Walmart and the Waffle Theft (IDK why though…) and in that one Alice and Bella steal things and go to jail, so sorry about that. On with the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Edward POV**

"Polly?"

I sighed dramatically. "Yes, Bella. My parrot's name is Polly. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, no," she quickly said. "Except for the fact that you're not a freaking PIRATE!"

I laughed loudly and obnoxiously for no real reason. That Bella's so silly. "Of course I'm a pirate, Bella. You are too!"

"Uh, no. No I'm not," she retorted.

Oh, so she was gonna get all sassy with me? Well, I could get sassy too! "Yeah you are, girlfriend." I snapped a few times for emphasis.

"Edward, what is wrong with you?" she spit, turning around and walking away.

"What's wrong with me!" I exclaimed. "What's wrong with you? You can't even accept the fact that you're a pirate."

"That's because I'm not a pirate," she seethed.

I rolled my eyes and chuckled lightly. This would take a lot of convincing. "If I'm a pirate and Renesmee's a pirate, then you have to be a pirate."

"Wait, since when is Renesmee a pirate?" Bella questioned, looking quite doubtful. I knew she wouldn't believe me.

"Since…I don't know, but she's a pirate!" I told her.

"Edward, you are being absolutely ridiculous. We are vampires not pirates."

I stared at her for a moment before pointing my sword at her stomach. "That's it. Walk the plank, nonbeliever."


	26. Chapter 26

**AN: Wow, I got a lot of reviews for the last chapter. THANKS A TON! Here's the next requested POV!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Emmett POV**

"But, Rose!"

"No more whining!" Rose scolded, pointing her finger at me. "Be a big boy."

I groaned but complied, walking behind her desolately.

"Huh," Rose murmured, "that's weird. Alice and Renesmee's scent leads to the door."

"Huh…doors…" I mumbled, trying to figure out why the concept seemed so familiar.

"Yeah, Emmett, doors," Rose said, not really paying attention to me as she strode into the parking lot. Edward's car and Rosalie's car were still in the parking lot, but Alice's wasn't.

Rosalie seemed to think for a moment before grumbling, "Oh come on. You've got to be kidding me."

"Doors," I interrupted, still hung up on why the heck I couldn't get doors out of my thoughts. There was something about their shiny surface and metal hinges that had my mind stuck on them.

"Who cares about doors?" Rosalie exclaimed. "Renesmee hasn't even been here for who knows how long. And neither is Alice!"

"That's it!" I shouted, finally realizing why doors seemed so interesting to my brain.

"What?" Rosalie snapped, her hands on her hips.

"I'm married to a door!"

"WHAT?"


	27. Chapter 27

**Renesmee POV**

"Uh, yeah. Chicken's good," the policemen muttered, "but I need to look at your license now."

Alice nodded, "That's all I needed to know."

Alice turned around, and handed him her license. He glanced over it quickly before giving it back to her. When she went to put it back into her purse—which happened to be in the backseat—she did something I completely did not expect. At all. I mean this was like a shark attacking you in a public pool or an elf keying your car or a llama raping you in New York City. Well actually, that last one might not be so farfetched.

The policemen screeched loudly as the chicken started clawing at his face. I stared at Alice with my mouth agape for a moment, but I quickly reacted, screeching, "DRIVE, ALICE, DRIVE!"

Alice floored it, and I was pretty sure we were going at least two hundred miles an hour. This was the only time her reckless driving was permitted. We had to escape the police.

"Alice, where'd you get the chicken?" I asked. "I didn't even smell it when we were in the car before."

Alice laughed her chime-like laugh, and then said seriously, "Magic, Renesmee. Magic."


	28. Chapter 28

**AN: Okay, if I get enough reviews to reach one-hundred (seven), then I'll post a chapter that's twice as long as the normal ones. So yea…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**Alice POV**

"Renesmee, calm down. It's not like he cared or anything." I waved her off, laughing slightly. Did I look like I was crazy? Uh, no! That's why throwing that chicken at the policeman was perfectly fine.

"WHAT? YOU'RE HONESTLY TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH LETTING A BIRD MAIME A MAN'S FACE!" screeched Renesmee. I swear that she's trying to blow my brains out my ears and cause me to go permanently deaf for the rest of my immortal life. Curse that inhumanly loud hybrid!

I sighed loudly, rolling my eyes up to the top of my head. For a second I wondered if it was possibly to see inside your skull if you rolled your eyes back enough. Huh, I'd have to try that some time. Right now though I had to focus on Renesmee's insanity. "Nessie, that chicken loved that man's face! It was a match made in heaven."

Renesmee stared at me with her mouth open. She was gonna catch all kinds of critters in there if she didn't shut it. Ew, she'd have bug guts in her intestines! BLECH! "No, Alice. Just no. Anyway, let's focus on something else than the chicken and policeman being a 'perfect match'"—she used finger quotes here—"Now tell me how you got that chicken."


	29. Chapter 29

**AN: Okay, so I didn't reach one hundred reviews yet, but when I do I will give you guys that double chapter. Oh, and it will finally reveal the Unknown Person I've had you guys guessing at. Nobody's got it yet! **

**Disclaimer: BLAH BLAH BLAH disclaiming stuff**

**Jasper POV**

"BLAM!" I shrieked, pointing my imaginary gun at the wall as I pulled the imaginary trigger.

"Whoa!" a little kid squealed. "It happened just like that?"

"Yes, and that man that killed a man of the friend I knew who had a friend that knew the man I shot deeply regretted it. " I gazed at the corner of the ceiling with a foggy look. I don't know why I did, but it happened all the time in the movies, so I thought that maybe there'd be a flashback or a mutant alien attack or something.

The small child looked up at me with his big blue, and for some reason horse-like eyes. Huh. "So, Jasper...what else can you tell me about the war?"

"It was a war!" I exclaimed, waving my arms around before ducking for cover. They could still be here. They could come for me at any moment.

"What are you doing?" the kid asked.

"Hiding from the army…Oh, and the Volturi."

"What's a Volturi?"

"Only the most powerful and deadly vampire clan in existence!"

"…WHAT?"

"Oh no! There're here!" I shrieked, holding the freaked out kid to my side as I hid behind a sign.

"Who? The scary vampires?" he whispered.

"No, Carlisle, Esme, and…wait, why is he here?"


	30. Chapter 30

**AN: YAY! ONE HUNDRED REVIEWS! THANK YOU SO MUCH! As I promised, here is a chapter that is twice as long as the normal ones, and the unknown stalker will be revealed!**

**Disclaimer: Look at the last one.**

**Rosalie POV**

"What do you mean you're married to a door?" I shrieked, my hands in the air. This day could not have been any crazier. I mean this was just insane. Married to a door? How is that even possible? Only Emmett…only Emmett could and would find a way to marry a door.

"It all happened in Vegas…" he trailed off, a faraway look glazing over his eyes.

It was then that I noticed as Esme, Carlisle, and…Mike…walking past us. I hurriedly said to Emmett, "We don't have time for this talk right now!" I then ran after the group of three in front of me. They were talking all buddy buddy, hugging and laughing. WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON HERE!

"Mike?" I asked when I was behind them.

He turned to me, smiling widely. "Oh, hey, Rosalie. I was just talking to your parents." He put finger quotations around parents, giggling hysterically.

I looked at Esme and Carlisle for help, but they too were giggling wildly. Uh…was what he said supposed to be funny or something? "Okay then…and?"

"Uh…well they're the Vampire Police and I'm—"

"WHAT!" I screeched.

"It's a new reality TV series," Carlisle explained.

"Yeah, and since you guys are vampires it makes it a lot more exciting. They hired me as the cameraman!" he added excitedly, his eyes lighting up as he beamed at me.

"Wait, wait," I interrupted, holding my hand up. "Are you saying you're going to expose our secret on live television?"

Carlisle rolled his eyes. "No one's ever going to believe it anyway, Rosalie. Everything on TV is fake."

"EXCEPT THIS!" I pointed out in a loud voice.

He laughed loudly. "Yeah, but no one else is ever going to know that."

"There are so many things wrong with this," I murmured, face palming.

"I'm married to a door!" Emmett announced.

Oh yeah, I still had to have him explain that whole 'married to a door' thing to me.

"Congratulations, son!" Carlisle said, hugging Emmett like he had hugged Mike. "I'm sure you'll be very happy."

Esme nodded, looking overly emotional. "I've been waiting for this day for so long."

"And...rolling!" Mike let out, holding the camera to his eye.

"Hello?" I blurted. "A real live wife of Emmett standing right here!"

I was ignored as they all talked to Emmett about his door.

Fine, if they were going to be like that then I was out of there. I was going to find Alice and Renesmee before they did something dangerous…well dangerous to anyone around them. I didn't doubt that they probably already had.


	31. Chapter 31

**AN: 100 REVIEWS! YAY! Thank you so much!**

**Disclaimer: The usual blah blah blah.**

**Bella POV**

"Edward, you realize that sword would not have any effect on me whatsoever, right?" I questioned, crossing my arms and rolling my eyes.

"ARGGGGG!" was the only response I got. What an animal!

"Edward, come on now. Quit this. You are not a pirate," I told him.

"LIAR!" he screamed, jabbing me with the sword so hard that his arm was a blur. I was thrown at a shelf, breaking it. Edward looked down at his mangled sword. It was in pieces. "YOU BROKE MY SWORD!"

"I told you not to use it on me!" I countered.

"GRAWWWWWWWWW!" he screamed, tilting his head to the ceiling.

"Graw! Graw!" Polly repeated, flapping her wings slightly from Edward's shoulder. "Bella's a pirate."

"I am not a pirate!" I shrieked. "You people…parrot…pirates…whatever you are, you are crazy!"

Edward stopped all of a sudden then. "Fine, you can be a nonbeliever then. Polly and I are going to go buy a boat now so we can find the buried treasure."

"Have fun with that," I murmured angrily, waving as they left with a fake smile plastered on my face.

Now that they were gone I had to go find Renesmee. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Renesmee POV**

Alice glared at me. "No."

"What do you mean no?" I asked in frustration, crossing my arms.

"I mean no. I'm not going to tell you how I got the chicken," Alice said.

"Uh yeah you are. I want to know how you managed to sneak that bird past me, and I want to know it now," I demanded.

"Then be prepared for disappointment," she hissed.

I rolled my eyes. "Nice Edward impression, but I still want to know how you got the chicken in here without me knowing about it."

"Well it started about two years ago," Alice began.

"I don't want to hear some long, meaningless flashback, Alice," I snarled. Why couldn't she just tell me where she got the chicken from and how she got it in the car? Was that really that hard of a question?

"It's not meaningless!" she screeched. "The story of the chicken really started two years ago!"

"Oh," I let out, slightly surprised Alice wasn't blabbering idiotically for once and was actually getting to the point. "Then continue I guess."

"Okay, it started two years ago. I had just gotten this car, and I had become totally obsessed with birds," she explained. I remembered that phase. It wasn't pretty. "Well, long story short I've been raising birds in a secret compartment in my car for two years, and that's why you haven't noticed the scent. I introduced it slowly."

I hesitated slightly from shock that was caused by Alice's large vocabulary in that explanation, but then I realized what she was saying. "YOU HAVE BIRDS LIVING IN YOU CAR!"


	33. Chapter 33

**Renesmee POV**

"Yes. Yes I do," Alice said, nodding her head. She closed her eyes and smiled proudly.

I gaped at her and struggled to find anything to tell her that would make her see that the idea of keeping birds in her car was completely insane, but then I realized there was nothing I could really do. Alice was pretty much as crazy as they get—apparently in her human years too even though she can't really remember them—and I was sure there was no way I could convince her to get rid of her feathered companions.

"So, Alice, how did they survive your car getting wrecked?" I asked, leaning back into my seat as she drove very dangerously to an unknown location.

"Well," Alice explained. "They're not like any normal birds that I know of."

I stared at her with confusion. "Uh…what do you mean by that, Alice?"

I was expecting the worst, and I pretty much got something near it. Well, it was different than my idea of her having chickens that were undercover ax murderers, but still, it was not something I would have wanted to hear.

"Well, I got them from a scientist. All of my birds have been mutated in one way or another. They're special!"

Special? Uh oh. This had just gone from crazy to asylum worthy in a matter of minutes. "Alice, exactly how mutated are these birds?"

She sent me a grin and pulled the car over. "I'll show you."


	34. Chapter 34

**AN: Okay, I just wanted to thank everyone for reviewing. You guys really inspire me to write this crazy crackfic!**

**Oh, and guess what? Naw, you won't guess it…unless you guessed two different POVs in one chapter! If you guessed that then you would be correct! WHOO!**

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming.**

**Bella POV**

Edward was crazy if he really thought he was a pirate. It was too bad he didn't sail away somewhere until he realized he was a vampire. Well, if he was sailing on a ship he'd probably never realize he was a vampire because he'd be so entrapped by piracy…but still…

It was then that I spotted Rosalie. She looked similarly exasperated, and I walked as quickly as I could at a human pace to where she was standing.

She looked up and I knew that she was going through something very much like I was. It was also then that I forgot about Renesmee and the search for her. Rosalie and I had something much for important to do.

"We'll get them back."

**Rosalie POV**

I couldn't believe that Emmett had gone behind my back and married a door! Why would he want to marry a door in the first place? There was no reason for it, and I found myself completely infuriated to know that he really had done something so ridiculous.

I wasn't alone in my thoughts very long though, and I glanced up to see Bella walking extremely fast—for a human anyway—in my direction. Her gaze had the same annoyance and frustration that I was sure my own held, and I knew Edward must be driving her as insane as Emmett was driving me. I didn't even think before I immediately blurted, "We'll get them back."


	35. Chapter 35

**AN: Okay, so there was a lot of updating problems on FFNet yesterday. That means that you might not have gotten alerts for the last chapter (it was a Bella and Rosalie one), so if you haven't read it you might want to go back and check it out.**

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming (which is my short-cut way of doing things)**

**Renesmee POV**

"Alice, I am positive those are not birds," I said stiffly, backing up a step in horror. 'You're chicken from before looked nothing like any of these 'birds.'"

"Oh, these are birds all right," Alice confirmed. "My chicken from before could spit fire. Pretty cool, huh?"

"No!" I shrieked, throwing my hands into the air in frustration. "That's not cool at all! Especially since they've been living in your car. I mean, just look at them!"

Alice and I both turned our eyes back to the birds, and I tried not to shudder in disgust. The nearest bird was lumpy in appearance. Its feet were long and scraggly. The feathers were multicolored, but they were mostly neutral tones, giving it the oddest camouflage coloring I had ever seen. The beak was oversized, and around the edges it was chipped. The bird stared back at us with its extremely large eyes and let out a loud croak.

"I think they're cute," Alice cooed, leaning down to pet the creature.

"But it's living in your car!" I protested.

Alice smiled smugly, her eyes twinkling as she held the bird closer. "Exactly."


	36. Chapter 36

**AN: Okay, so I'm sorry this is getting posted so late. I was on a plane so I just passed out when we got to where we were staying, but when I woke up I knew I had to type a chapter up because I told you guys I'd give you daily updates. So…here you go!**

**Disclaimer: I already said I'm not doing these! You get the point anyway.**

**Jasper POV**

I ran over to where Carlisle, Esme, and Mike were standing, and I noticed Emmett was by their side. He was waving his arms wildly, his eyes wide with excitement. What was he going on about? "Hey!"

Carlisle spun on his heel, smiling broadly when he saw me. "Well hello! What are you doing here, Jasper?"

"Renesmee…remember?" I asked. Carlisle, Esme, Mike, and even Emmett stared at me with confusion, so I continued, "Why are you guys here?"

Carlisle shrugged. "We figured that if we filmed here they'd give us money for advertising or something like that."

"Uh…isn't that illegal?" I muttered.

"What?" Carlisle exclaimed.

"So anyway," Esme said as her husband freaked out, "who's the kid?"

I looked down at the young boy at my side who was shivering with fear and discomfort. "Oh, this is…uh…Kid. Kid, this is Carlisle, Esme, Mike, and Emmett."

"Hi!" everyone but Carlisle chorused. Kid's was a bit shyer, but he still mumbled something.

Carlisle was still shrieking about having to film again or something like that when Emmett decided to break the awkward silence. "I'M MARRIED TO A DOOR!"

I stared at him for a moment, shocked out of my mind. "Wait…what?"


	37. Chapter 37

**AN: Has it really been that long since I last updated? *horrified face* I am sosososossososo—in other words really—sorry about that. I could give you the excuses that I'm behind with my cross country training and am trying to catch up, the fact that I'm on vacation in Florida (woo woo), or that I have eight thousand tons of summer homework, but none of that matters does it? 'CUS I FREAKIN' JUST NEEDED TO TYPE A TWO HUNDRED WORD CHAPTER! I AM SORRY! EVERYONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW LAZY I AM SO I CAN THOROUGHLY BE DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF! **

**Disclaimer: I am going to show off my laziness by skipping over this.**

**Edward POV **

"We'll convince her. Won't we, Polly?" I asked, petting the bird perched on my shoulder lovingly, listening to her coo in response.

She tilted her head and flapped her wings. "Bella! Bella! Pirate!"

I laughed at her squawking. She was completely right. I swore that my parrot was secretly a mad scientist when she wasn't with me being a pirate bird. "Yeah, I know that Bella's a pirate, but how are we going to convince her of that?"

Polly tilted her head from one side to the other in a fast motion, folding her wings back against her body. "Bella! Pirate! Get Bella!"

I was stunned for a moment. How had a parrot come up with such a genius plan when I was left unable to think of what to do next? It was astounding. Groundbreaking. Impossibly possible. "You're right, Polly…" I trailed off, my voice filled with every ounce of awe I was feeling. "There's only one thing left to do." I looked straight into Polly's curious eyes. She opened her beak and let out a light shriek, urging me to continue. "Polly, the only thing we can do now is go after Bella. We're gonna capture her. We're gonna show her she's a pirate…by force."


	38. Chapter 38

**AN: Okay, first I want to thank everyone for the reviews and everything else. It means a ton! Second, since I am going to tell you of my major bad luck and extreme naivety, I am going to make this chapter four hundred instead of two hundred words, and it is going to be from Alice's POV (which everyone keeps requesting). Yay for fun double chapters!**

**So for my whining…well, it is going to explain why this chapter was also posted so late. Blech. I have a good excuse this time though. It's totally legit. Okay, so I do cross country and track (I say that way too much, don't I?), and even though I'm on vacation I still have to go out and run. Because of that, my grandma keeps trying to wake me up at six in the morning to go running. Considering how lazy you all know I am you can understand why that doesn't go over too well. So instead I told her I was going to run at night…well, the evening. So I set out at eight thirty for my half hour run. Why? Because I am incredibly stupid. I wanted to listen to music, so I put my ipod in my sports bra. I thought it was a great idea. It turned out to be a horrible idea. Why? Because people kept staring at my "third boob" and wondering what kind of mutant I was. Oh, and that's not all. I was on the sidewalk like a good person, and then I had to skid to a stop to keep myself from stepping on a snake. A red-brown snake with the lashing out tongue and everything. You think that's it? Nope. Then I had the privilege of bats flying over my head and in my face and bugs eating me alive and finding my eye to be a good resting place. Let me just tell you now, I won't be running at night in Florida anymore.**

**Now since you had to read that (even though most of you probably skipped it), you can see where some of my crazy crack-inspiration comes from. Anyway, on with the fun double chapter!**

**Alice POV**

I had convinced Renesmee to get back in my car—though I don't know why she was reluctant to ride in it in the first place—and all she did for twenty minutes straight was twitch and shriek whenever there was the slightest noise. I got pretty pissed pretty quickly.

"QUIT THE RACKET!" I screamed, banging the top of the car with my fist like old woman do with brooms on their apartment ceilings. "QUIT IT! QUIT IT! QUIT IT!"

Renesmee froze for a moment, going completely still. I swore, she was so weird. One minute she was all fidgety and the next she became an ice cube just because I screamed at the top of my lungs at her. I mean, who does that? She's just a weirdo.

"Uh…" she finally got out.

Really? She was that surprised? She was acting like an alcoholic drinking at an AA meeting. Yes, she was that twitchy. "Come on, Nessie. Spit it out. Now. I'm tired of you having a half seizure next to me. Oh, and can I mention that it's been going on for about twenty minutes? Yeah, it has become pretty annoying. Now spiiiiiiiiit it out!"

"Well…I'm not really comfortable riding in your car with a bunch of mutated birds," she murmured quietly, shifting back and forth again, her discomfort obvious.

"Oh heeeeeeeeeeeeell no," I snapped, waving my finger back and forth.

She leaned back in shock once again, her eyes looking like sunny side-up eggs…except…well, they were eyes not eggs. "Uh…Alice."

"Don't you 'uh…Alice' me," I shrieked, my anger finally getting to me. "Here I have this crappy wrecked car for you to ride in, and all you do is complain. How ungrateful!" For emphasis I pointed to the holes in the side of the back seat and the crack in the rear windshield. "This is a beautifully destroyed car, and you need to keep your little twisted thoughts to yourself. My birds are wonderful, and you need to live with it."

Renesmee remained shocked for a moment, looking from left to right nervously, her eyes darting like mad. "Uh…Alice…I mean, Alice, that was…uh…okay. Okay, I'll stop complaining. Tell me one thing though, okay?"

"What's that?" I questioned eagerly, smiling perkily since she was finally deciding to calm down and stop her nonsense. She really was being impractical. Who gets freaked out by birds that have scrambled genes anyway? Yeah, that's right. No one. Well…no one I know except Renesmee that is…oh, and that policeman…and that person the other day…oh and there was that…wait…never mind, this isn't helping!

"Those birds are secure right? I mean, they're not going to hurt anybody are they?" she asked. I knew from her tone she was determined to get an answer.

"Of course not!" I said cheerily, waving her off.

Well, one little white lie won't hurt her will it?


	39. Chapter 39

**AN: Okay, so I know. I should just stop apologizing for posting late at night. It's probably going to happen no matter what. Why did I? Long story short, my grandma didn't want to deal with me in the morning, so I had to run at night again. Yay…not. I saw a cat/raccoon thing, and it turned out to be a monkey. Oh joy. Well, then I watched Breaking Dawn, so I guess my day wasn't all bad. **

**Oh, and please review and let me know what POV you want next. **

**Disclaimer: No…**

**Random/Unknown/Soon to be Known New Age Therapist POV**

"No," I said into my phone with finality.

"But—" the lady on the other end argued.

I cut her off, saying, "No, I will not give you any sessions for free.

"But I heard you're an amazing therapist!" she exclaimed, her voice raising an octave in excitement.

I rolled my eyes, clucking my tongue. "Yeah, and that's why you should pay for a session." With that I hung up. Seriously, what was that? The third call I've gotten today asking for a free session? Uh, no. I need money too.

I was just setting my phone down in frustration when two girls walked into the room. They were pretty...too pretty. Was it the result of some disease that made them get endless plastic surgery? "You here to sign up for a session?"

"You could say that," the blonde girl said, smirking slightly as she crossed her arms. The brunette next to her nodded her head, copying the other's actions.

"Uh…okay," I muttered, raising my eyebrow in question. "That was kinda vague."

"Well you see," the blonde continued, "we need therapy. Just not for us."

The blonde and brunette glanced at each other before turning back to me. This time the brunette spoke up, saying, "Dr. D, we need your help…with our husbands."

**AN: Tell me your thoughts! What do you think the D in Dr. D stands for? If I like the name you come up with, maybe I'll use it… **


	40. Chapter 40

**AN: YAY! The fortieth chapter! Thanks for all of the views, reviews, favorites, and alerts that inspired me to get this far!**

**Disclaimer: Really?**

**Jasper POV**

"I said," Emmett repeated slowly, "that I'm married to a door."

Well this was weirder than the one time a cow stole my gun during the Civil War. Yeah, that animal killed three innocent people. That was the last time I ever left my gun out while going to the bathroom in a random cornfield. "Yeah, but why? Aren't you already married to Rosalie?"

Emmett stared at me for a moment, but then he collapsed to the ground, his hands on either side of his head. "NOOOOOO! I'm a floozie!"

"Anyway," I mumbled, turning to Mike. "So, are you here to stay?"

Mike nodded. "Yeah. I am the cameraman after all."

"Thought so," I said.

"So what's the Volturi?" Kid asked, his eyes wide with curiosity.

"YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT THE VOLTURI?" Esme, Carlisle, Emmett—who was still on the floor—and Mike—WAIT MIKE?—all shrieked.

"Mike, how do you know about the Volturi?" I asked incredulously, my eyebrow raising in question.

"It's a long story," Mike said, "but it came with being the cameraman."

I stared at him with a "uh…yeah…okay, but still WHAT THE HECK!' face.

My thoughts were interrupted by Carlisle asking, "Hey, we were on Kid knowing about the Volturi. Explain."

I laughed nervously. "Well…funny story…"


	41. Chapter 41

**AN: Okay, so I'm not really sure how many more chapters this story is going to have, but I've been thinking of starting another crackfic, but this time it's all about the Denali coven (with the Cullens thrown in of course!).**

**So here's the summary. Tell me what you think.**

**Summary: The Denali coven always seemed so normal. So sane. However, one family trip to the beach changed all of that. Well…we always knew they were kind of secretive. Maybe they had a good reason to hide. **

**Eh…I don't really like the summary. I'll probably change it later, but still, let me know what you think PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer: Really?**

**Renesmee POV**

"ALICE!" I shrieked.

"What now?" she said, slamming her head back into her seat.

I eyed her incredulously, frantically pointing in front of us. "You just hit that car."

She stared at the parked van in front of us. Thanks to her, it now sported a huge dent.

"Our car was already wrecked. What's one more scratch?" she asked, blinking owlishly.

I stared at her with my mouth agape, waving my head back and forth slightly in disbelief. "One more—Alice, I don't think you're understanding this. You just hit a car. Another car. A car that was previously not wrecked."

"Okay...and?"

She was obviously not getting my point. "Alice, you just damaged someone else's car. We're gonna have to pay for that if we get caught."

It took her less than a second to have us in reverse—successfully banging up another car in the process—before she sped out of the parking lot. Why did I ever let her drive again?

We were driving aimlessly when Alice's phone started ringing. She picked it up, her eyebrows knitted together in puzzlement as she saw the number. Apparently she was not expecting this call. "Uh…Dr. D…hi."

"Your sisters just came over here to talk to me. They want revenge on their husbands," I heard the lady on the other end say. "I thought that maybe you might have a reason for me to…you know, mess with them."

Alice glanced at me, smirking. "Oh, I have plenty of reasons."


	42. Chapter 42

**AN: Okay, so I wanted to apologize for being gone for so long. I'm transferring schools and it's just been a chaotic process. Anyway, Crossword Complexities (my new crackfic) is up! Oh, and the summary isn't the suckish one from last chapter. YAY!**

**I just wanted to let you know that this story is also kind of a TWT (Time? What Time?) story. I mean, obviously everything that has happened so far could not fit into one day, but there also hasn't been a night the whole entire story. That's kind of what adds to the crackficness.**

**Bella POV**

"So…um…how exactly are you supposed to help us get revenge on our husbands?" I asked.

"You're the ones who came to me," Dr. D said, rolling her eyes and leaning back in her chair.

"Yeah, for help," Rosalie snapped, suddenly standing up and knocking her own chair backwards.

"Whoa, no need to get angry!" Dr. D exclaimed, holding her hands up in front of her.

Rosalie crossed her arms. "We are waiting for you to actually live up to your reputation. Now are you going to help us or not?"

"Yes. I'm going to help you," the doctor told us. "But first I need to you guys to tell me what's wrong with your husbands and why you want revenge on them."

"My husband married a door even though he's married to me," Rosalie spit. "That should be explanation enough for why I want revenge on him."

"And you?" Dr. D pointed the question to me.

"My husband thinks he's a pirate," I announced. "He wants me to admit that I'm a pirate as well. Which is ridiculous because we're vam—I mean people, not pirates. And that pretty much sums up why I want revenge on him."

Dr. D nodded, jotting everything down. "Alright then. I think that I'll be able to help you two." Her words made sense, but her smile…well, I thought it was a bit devious. What else did this doctor have up her sleeve?


	43. Chapter 43

**AN: Thanks for the reviews, views, favs, and alerts! I'm taking POV suggestions again, and I also wanted to let you know that when I reach 150 reviews there will be another double chapter. YAY!**

**Renesmee POV**

"Alice, where are you taking us now?" I asked with a sigh, wondering what her mind could have possibly come up with.

"What would you say if I told you we're going to the zoo?" she replied, grinning as she glanced at me out of her peripheral vision. Why was I letting her drive again?

"The zoo?" I squeaked, thinking of all of the insane things Alice could do in a place filled with pens of animals that were quite deadly to humans. "Uh…Alice, I'm not sure if we should."

"Don't be silly," Alice said. "Nothing bad could happen."

"Oh really?" I snapped. "I mean you're basically a walking problem. I love you as my aunt, Alice, but I think you should have stayed in that asylum."

"Hey!" Alice protested. "That's mean!"

"Alice, you trashed this car, the other car, and basically every solid object that has come into view. Oh, and you keep mutated birds in your car. I would like to mention that none of that is normal or sane," I told her, raising my eyebrow as a challenge for her to argue.

She opened her mouth, closed it, and then said, "Yeah, whatever. We're still going to the zoo."


	44. Chapter 44

**Alice POV**

In my mind I knew that there were plenty of things that Dr. D could do to Rosalie and Bella. She could frame them for something illegal. She could trick them into something dirty. Heck, she could probably even find a way to ship them to Australia.

That's what I loved about Dr. D. She was more than just a therapist. She was the ultimate therapist. She was like the Super-man of the therapist world. Unstoppable and incomparable. There was still more though. Dr. D had a way about her…she was devious. She wouldn't let Rosalie and Bella go without feeling as much of their revenge as Edward and Emmett would.

It was Dr. D's way of getting her point across. As a therapist she had her beliefs about how to treat others, and revenge was something she tried to discourage. Some therapists would try to talk you out of it, but not Dr. D. She would teach you a lesson, and you would learn the hard way. You would never forget what you were taught.

That's why as I headed to the zoo I was trying to hide my constant smirking from Renesmee. When Bella, Rosalie, Emmett, Edward, and Dr. D showed up at the zoo…well, I was going to be there to see it.


	45. Chapter 45

**AN: I haven't updated in like…forever. :/ Sorry about that. I transferred schools, and I have been trying to catch up on all of the summer work I missed. I'm back now though. And even though it's a day late, this is in memory of 9/11 (the next chapter too probably and the incorporation stuff)…crackfic style.**

**Random Hermit POV**

No matter what I did, I couldn't get a moment of peace. I wanted to live alone in my neighbor's shack without any interruption. Was that too much to ask? Apparently! For some reason, she always got mad when she found me in there. I wasn't sure why though. She wasn't using it as her bedroom!

But anyway, since I got kicked out, I've been staying on the street. It hasn't been a very…pleasing experience.

"Move out of the way you old, rotting piece of pumpkin pigeon!"

I turned to the random New York business man, scowling, but instead of arguing, I leaned forward and snapped my fingers. "Whatever!"

He wasn't the only one though. Many people were running in my direction, and all of them looked panicked.

"What the…" I murmured, but before I had time to utter another word, the dust trailing behind those that were fleeing was suffocating me as well.

I leaned down, choking, and stared at the dancing pixie in front of me. Wow…this dust must have had something in it, because it was certainly making me crazy!

TO BE CONTINUED…


	46. Chapter 46

**AN: Okay, this is the next part of 9/11 remembrance. Will Alice and the Hermit help people? Read to find out. :P**

…**CONTINUED…**

**Random Hermit POV**

It took me a minute, but I soon came to the conclusion that the dancing pixie was real. "Hey, what are you doing?! Something is seriously wrong here?"

The pixie turned to me, her eyes shining. "Hi! My name's Alice."

"I don't really care," I said, trying to get her to understand. "You need to realize that there's a fire or something. Dancing is not really going to help you."

"Then let's help the other people," Alice piped.

I gave her a WHHHHHAAAAATTT face, and asked, "How exactly are we going to do that?"

Alice got a faraway look in her eyes, and for just a moment I wondered if she was more mentally insane than I had first thought. I mean, she seemed like a pretty big wacko.

"It'll be easy," Alice whispered, her eyes finally meeting mine.

I glanced back at the dust that was forming clouds around us. "Well, it doesn't really look like that."

Alice smirked. "Trust me. It will be."

I chose to trust her…even though she was kinda crazy.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	47. Chapter 47

**AN: Okay, this is the last part of the 9/11 remembrance, but the reason for it (other than the remembrance obviously) was so that these events can be brought up later. *eye wiggle*. So when the actually characters like Alice, Renesmee, and Dr. D return, who do you want to appear first? Also, I'm almost at 150 reviews. You know what that means! Double chapter! YAY!**

…**CONTINUED…**

**Random Hermit POV**

"We're going to what?" I stared at this crazy Alice girl with one raised eyebrow. She was kidding right?

"We go into the building, and then we save who we can," she said slowly. As if I didn't hear her the first time!

"Uh, I'm pretty sure we'll die if we do that," I told her incredulously, rolling my eyes.

"I won't," she stated creepily, leaning closer. "I never die." She began to laugh hysterically.

"Uh…okay…" I glanced around. Was no one else seeing this? "Anyway…"

"We're going to go in there now," Alice said.

"What—"

I was interrupted by Alice heaving me over her shoulder…of course. Before I could protest that, we were rushing toward the building so fast that I could barely even see. WHAT WAS GOING ON!?

When we stopped, the flames were all around us. We really were in the building! I opened and closed my mouth, trying to ask how she had just done that, but I just couldn't get anything out.

Alice passed me a terrified lady, and I took her in my arms.

"Get her out of here."

I stared at Alice for a moment, but the wacko glared at me, pointing at the door. "NOW."

I looked down at the trembling girl and nodded, running out of the burning room as fast as I could. Thousands of stairs lay before me, but I descended them as quickly as I possible.

I almost cried with relief when I saw the lobby doors. I took no time in exiting the building, my sore feet taking me further and further. The girl in my hands gasped, and I looked back just as the sound started. It was a horrible metallic screeching. The building I had just left was falling. No, it was collapsing in on itself.

At that moment, only one thought passed through my head.

_…Alice…_


	48. Chapter 48

**AN: I'm finally back. Yay! I know it's been forever since I last updated, but this time I'm here to stay. I swear!**

**Disclaimer: blah blah blah**

**Renesmee POV**

I covered my eyes as Alice attempted to pull us through the small zoo entrance and onto the parking lot pavement.

"I've got this," she hissed quietly, her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration. She paused for a moment before clasping the steering wheel in both hands and flooring it. I shrieked and pressed my palms into my eyes with even more pressure. I was totally shocked when I realized that we had made it into the parking lot without crashing into any nearby poles or fences.

"See, I did it!" Alice announced, smiling broadly.

I removed my hands from my face and just stared around us. "Impossible…"

"No its not," Alice protested, looking at me. The car was halted suddenly, and the both of us were thrown forward. I looked in front of us and saw the giant tree that Alice had hit while distracted. I glanced at her and raised my eyebrow.

"Ya, well whatever," Alice huffed, climbing out of the car. "We're just going to park here."

I sighed and got out after her, knowing I couldn't leave her alone. All hell would break lose if I did.

Alice grabbed my hand and tugged me towards the ticket booth. "Come on! I want to get in the zoo already!"

I sighed again as she pulled me along behind her. Surely I would regret letting her come to the zoo.


	49. Chapter 49

**AN: Not gonna lie, I was a bit disappointed that nobody reviewed last chapter. :/ However, I will look past that because next chapter will be the prank and because it will be the hundredth chapter/celebrating 150 reviews, it will be a double chapter! YAY!**

**Renesmee POV**

Alice stopped when we reached the ticket window.

The worker looked up, her poorly dyed blonde hair falling over her shoulder. She smacked gum in Alice's face as she asked, "How can I help you?"

Alice looked taken aback for a second, blinking in shock at the worker's rude attitude. "Uh, yeah. I was just trying to buy some tickets."

"Whatever," the girl said, blowing a bubble. "How many do you want?"

"Two," Alice replied, smiling widely.

The girl glanced at Alice and stopped chewing, raising an eyebrow as she grabbed two tickets. I already knew she was categorizing Alice as a weird one. "Here are your tickets."

Alice grabbed them right out of the girl's hands. My jaw dropped as I watched her run in circles. The worker glanced at me, and I sighed. "Yay ya, I know. I'll go get her."

I stomped up to Alice, completely tired of her acting like a complete nutcase. Couldn't she at least pretend to be normal for like five minutes? Oh, wait. No she couldn't because she's crazy!

I reached out my hand and grabbed her by the shoulder. "Let's just go inside now. Okay?"

"YES!" Alice screamed, sprinting at a human speed to get ahead of me and to the exhibits. I sighed again and followed after. This was certainly going to be a memorable trip.


	50. Chapter 50

**AN: Wow, sorry it took me so long…I have no excuse…**

**Disclaimer: You get the point.**

**Alice POV**

"HURRY UP!" I screamed at Renesmee. Why was she taking so long?! I didn't want to miss Bella and Rosalie get pwned.

"Uh, Alice…I'm in front of you."

I turned around to see my niece was in fact in front of me. I narrowed my eyes at the hybrid. "Never again."

"What?"

"No time to explain!" I exclaimed, grabbing her arm and tugging her forward.

"Alice, what are you doing!? Are you crazy?" Renesmee screeched as I plowed through the crowd, dragging her along as well.

"No, I am perfectly sane."

Renesmee cracked up laughing. "Sure you are."

Wow, she is major cray cray. Maybe I should put her in an asylum or something.

I spotted Bella and Rosalie ahead, Edward and Emmett at their sides.

"I'll be right back," Dr. D told them. "I have…uh…irritable bladder syndrome…if that's a uh thing…" She watched them awkwardly for a moment before running away.

"Maybe she has scurvy," Edward suggested. "ARGGGG."

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. You are a door. You're pretty too. How about that one? Would she like that one?" Emmett asked his brother.

"Shiver me timbers," Edward growled.

"Uh…I'm guessing that means yes." Emmett did one of those touchdown dances and then punched Edward in the face. Huh, wonder why he punched him.

"I'm back!" Dr. D shouted, running towards the group. "I've just been cured of my irritable kidney syndrome."

"I thought it was irritable bladder syndrome," Bella said.

Dr. D shot her a disapproving look. "Yeah, I have both." She then grabbed Edward and Emmett's hands. "Come on." She dragged them away, winking at Bella and Rosalie.

"What are we doing here, Alice?" Renesmee asked.

I held my finger in front of my mouth, signaling for her to be quiet.

Thankfully, she listened. FOR ONCE! Renesmee is always criticizing me.

"What now?" Bella whispered.

"We wait," Rosalie answered.

Soon, Emmett and Edward were screaming, but I knew it couldn't be over. Dr. D wouldn't let their mates go unpunished.

"Hey!"

Bella and Rosalie looked around searching for the voice. That's when they noticed Mike running towards them. "I heard you guys are single now!"

"WHAT!?" Bella, Rosalie, and Renesmee all screamed.

I laughed quietly, rubbing my hands together. "Well this is just perfect."


	51. Chapter 51

**AN: Whoa, it's been a while since there's been an update…uh…yeah, sorry about that.**

**Disclaimer: Really?...REALLY?! We've been over this before, so I would hope that there is a mutual understanding to the fanfictual status of this story.**

**Renesmee POV**

I stared in shock at Rosalie and Bella. "Uh, guys? What's going on?"

I glanced back at Alice then, suspecting her.

Then, chaos erupted.

Like we didn't have enough already.

"Look!" Alice screeched. "They've come!"

"Who have?" I asked as she fell to the ground.

"My little birdies."

My eyes snapped to hers, and I quickly followed her trail of sight. The monstrous birds were making their way over to us, letting out guttural chirps. I shivered slightly. "Alice, you said that those things weren't going to harm anyone."

Alice began looking for an exit. "Um…they haven't uh technically hurt anyone yet…potato?"

I came closer to her, seething above her. "You are a pathological liar."

"No I'm not!" she protested.

"Yes you are," everyone within earshot said.

She narrowed her eyes. "You are no help to me."

The nearest worker shrugged. "Yeah, that might be true, but you're still a liar."

Alice cackled insanely. "That doesn't matter. My birds are still approaching!"

I turned to the poultry. Just great.


	52. Chapter 52

**Bella POV**

I looked at Mike for a moment, just eyeing him silently. Then, I shrieked, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MIKE!?"

He wiggled his eyebrows. "No, baby. You and me forever."

I gaped at him, my brain slowly melting and dying.

"Hey guys!" I heard Edward call.

I internally prayed that he wouldn't say something that would make me want to fall into a coma.

"Dr. D told us that Mike is available!"

Wow, this could not possibly get worse.

"Dr. D also said that soon marriages between multiple people will be allowed!"

Never mind, it got worse.

"You can only marry one person here," Rosalie growled, turning to Emmett, "and you are married to me."

"What about my door?" Emmett protested, whining like a three year old.

Rosalie seethed, fires bursting around her…hypothetically of course. "I don't care. We are not involving Mike in our relationship."

"But I'm pretty sure in Canada you can—"

Rosalie held her hand up. "This is America, Emmett. So we will be taking our leave."

Emmett pouted and waved half-heartedly at us. "Bye guys."

I looked between Edward and Mike as the other two left. Uh no, this was not happening. "Mike, you need to—"

"A NEW PIRATE COMPANION!"

No…please no…


	53. Chapter 53

**AN: I foresee that this story is coming to a close soon…maybe ten more chapters. *shrug***

**AN #2: I also want to mention that the idea of Mike going after Edward and Emmett was my little brother's idea. I read him this story and he loved it. LOL! He's been drawing pictures for it too. I'll post them on my profile when he's done with them. **

**Disclaimer: Really?**

**Jasper POV**

"Come on, Kid," I said, creeping silently away from where Carlisle and Esme had parked. Mike had wanted to go to the zoo, and they had been the ones to take him there. Why…I don't know. I probably never will.

"I'm tired of walking!" Kid complained.

I raised my eyebrow, looked back, and pointed at the parking lot we had just walked across.

Kid stared at me, not getting the point.

"Just let me take you home alright," I sighed. The knives could shoot us at any minute. I had to be prepared. "Where do you live?"

"Norris Road. It's close to here," Kid said.

"Norris…as in Chuck Norris?" I asked. BEST STREET NAME EVER!

Kid shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."

"I must see this road of magical karate powers," I whispered to myself.

Kid looked at me as if I was crazy. "Um…uh…okay. Will you take me home now?"

I ducked suddenly, pulling Kid down with me. "Phew. A canon just fired above us. I gotta get you home before the Confederates capture you!"

"Uh…okay…"

"It. Is. War," I whisper hissed.

"Uh…okay…"

"Onward!" I shrieked, grabbing Kid and rushing forward. I had to get home before we were attacked…or worse!


	54. Chapter 54

**Jasper POV**

"WHERE IS THIS STREET OF MAGICAL POWERS?!" I shrieked.

Kid glanced at me warily. "Uh…I mean we're almost getting close."

"You must hurry," I told him. I looked around before leaning down and whispering, "We could get shot."

Kid just stared at me then. "Do you do drugs?"

"No, just crack."

"Oh okay."

"Onward!" I announced, grabbing Kid's arm and dragging him along with me. "So how do we get to your house?"

"Um…well I know it's near here somewhere," he answered.

I frowned. "We have to ask for directions then, because if we don't get you home quick you could lose a limb."

"You know we're not in North Korea, right?" Kid asked.

"Don't be silly! Right now we're in—oh look, a butterfly!" I then did that imagination thing from SpongeBob Squarepants. I love SpongeBob. You know who else I love? Joan Rivers. Yeah, you heard me. Joan, if you're reading this, hit me up. Wink wink.

"You know that's a stop sign, not a butterfly," Kid told me.

I fell to the ground dramatically, singing _Baby_ by Justin Bieber. "You're lying!"

Kid looked unsure of what to do. "Um…cactus…?"

I smiled, standing straight up at inhuman speed. "Alright, you're forgiven. Now let's go find your house and this street of magical powers."

It must have been my imagination, but I thought I heard Kid sigh. Eh, cactus.


	55. Chapter 55

**AN: Okay, so I have a lot to talk about in this author's note. First off, I lost those pictures my brother drew, but he's drawing more! Yay!**

**My brother also made a fanfiction account. His username is SpiderSpock. We've been planning a surprise for you guys, and if you want to know more about it, message him.**

**I recently made a community. It's called Twisted Twilight. You guys should check it out!**

**I also need some help. I am addicted to reading stories where Bella isn't human or a vampire. I would absolutely love it if some of you guys could PM me some suggestions or leave it in a review. Thanks a ton!**

**As always, please review, and if you want a specific POV don't be afraid to ask!**

**Now here's Carlisle POV as requested.**

**Carlisle POV**

"Darn, Jasper!"

"Um…Why?" Esme asked.

We were currently outside the entrance of the zoo, waiting for our cameraman. Mike told us he had important business to take care of.

"Because he is going to get us turned into vegetable haters," I explained. "That is why he told Kid about the Volturi."

"But you already are a vegetable hater," Esme said.

"That is not important," I argued. "The only important thing here is the product of the space time continuum."

"Um…what?"

I held my hands out in a patronizing manor. "Esme, I'm a doctor, and you're a housewife. This is too complicated for your little brain."

Esme blinked once, then twice. "Is that why you still order 'Cat Fancy'?"

"Exactly."

"So basically, if Justin Bieber was a barber, you would be SpiderMan?"

"Exactly."

"Oh, I get it now!" Esme exclaimed.

I laughed lightly. "And that, Esme, is why I make you watch Dance Moms."

Esme nodded, smiling widely. "You're always looking out for me."

"Exactly." I then grabbed a dictionary out of my pocket and handed it to her, sitting her on the sidewalk. "Here, keep yourself busy."

"OOOOO! Words!"

"Exactly."

It was only a few moments later that Mike came running out of the zoo, an angry mob gathered behind him. "Run, guys! RUN!"

**AN AGAIN: Okay, so I have more to say (but the first author's note was getting kind of long). You can skip this if you really want. So my little brother will be putting some stories up later, and it would be nice if any of you looked at them and left a review. Please no flames though. He's young, and I want to encourage him.**

**I also put up a new story. It's called Can an Animal Love? It's a Twilight/Pokémon crossover. It would mean a lot to me if you checked it out!**

**The Random Hermit will also be making an appearance soon. **** YAYAYAY!**

**Thanks for all of the reviews, favorites, follows, and views! You guys are awesome! :D**


	56. Chapter 56

**AN: Sorry it's been so long, I was training to be a counselor at a camp. Yeah, no internet. It's like torture. Anyway, the Random Hermit is back! :D**

**Disclaimer: **

**Yeah, it's blank. What now?**

**Random Hermit POV**

**OOOOO**

It had been a long time since I had last seen that pixie. It was probable that we had been separated for five pikachus. But no longer. No! I was determined to find her.

The first step I took was to go to the library, a.k.a. the internet. It was there that I bought, a.k.a. stole a pixie catching guide.

Now I am ready. I am prepared. Fate cannot keep us apart any longer. I will go to her, and I will find her.

And then…we will go to Target.

**One of the Chicken's POV**

After being captured and mutated by a despicable vampire, I was finally free. I was released from her torturous car in one of her wrecks.

I was as intelligent as any other sentient being, and I was ready to take on the world. But first, I wanted revenge. Revenge on the vampire that had kept me hostage. I would hunt her down.

No one ever cared to ask my name, but I'll tell you it anyway. My name is Vishnu, and everyone will soon know of me.


	57. Chapter 57

**AN: Wow, can you believe we're already at chapter 57?! I know a lot of people are reading, would you pleaseplease review? It would make me happier and probably more random! :D**

**Jasper POV**

**OOOOO**

We were currently stuck at a fork in the road. "Which way to go?"

"Um…follow the yellow brick road?" Kid suggested.

"No! SHUT UP! STOP OFFRERING WORTHLESS IDEAS!" I screeched, running in circles to chase the elephants of frustration.

"Wha…."

"Just kidding!" I laughed. "I love you, Kid!"

"Uh…."

"Wait," I shouted suddenly.

"What?" Kid asked, staring up at me as I was now hugging him and petting his head creepily.

I stared off into space and whispered, "What if this is like that Star Trek episode Edward made me watch where they are stuck in a repeated time vortex, and they find those people who should be dead, but they're like not?" Wow, that was like a run-on kinda I think…I'm smart.

Kid just stared at me for awhile. "Why would you think this is anything like that?"

"I knew you'd agree with me!" I exclaimed.

"Wha..!" he protested, trying to pull away from me.

"Now," I murmured, "we just need a sacrifice to return to the proper time continuum."


	58. Chapter 58

**Jasper POV**

"A sacrifice!" Kid screamed, backing away slowly. "I'm feeling like maybe not."

"No," I argued. "We absolutely need a sacrifice."

Kid laughed nervously. Huh, why was he acting so strange?

"We need someone who is incredibly strong," I said.

Kid flexed, pursing his lips and nodding.

"Someone who is smart."

"I did get an A- in math," Kid murmured.

"And someone who is incredibly handsome."

Kid did the Bieber hairflip. "Yeah, I'm a stud."

"I know exactly who to use!" I exclaimed, smiling broadly.

"But I don't want to die," Kid whined, stomping his foot. Again I wondered why he was acting so strange.

"Mike Newton."

"WHAT!?"

OOOOO

Random Hermit POV

Step One: Identify pixie.

Well that was easy, the pixie was a pixie. And um…she had a face. Okay, identified.

Step Two: Learn to tango.

I looked up from the book, determined. Time to learn how to tango.

OOOOO

Third Person POV

The park was peaceful, maybe a little too peaceful. The moon—or was it the sun?—shone upon the birds and squirrels, the humans of the town having left the park because of the heat—or was it the cold?

It was peaceful that is, until a certain chicken entered it.


	59. Chapter 59

**AN: WOW, there are just so many plots going on at once here. CONFUSION…I LOVE IT!**

**Bella POV**

"So wait…you and Emmett were screaming because you were excited to have Mike as a uh…husband?" I asked.

Edward nodded, grabbing Mike roughly around the shoulders. "Arg. This is my new pirate companion." Edward glanced at Mike for a moment before announcing, "His name shall be Fig Newton-Beard."

I dropped to my knees, screaming as loud as I could. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

OOOOO

**Renesmee POV**

I let out a scream as the disturbing chickens crawled closer to us. The one closest to me was nearly bald, the few feathers it had dripping with a smelly black slime. Its beak was chipped and sharp, the coloring off in certain places to give the appearance of decomposing skin. The chicken hobbled forward, putting most of its weight on one foot and then dragging the other behind and then in front, its wings held out for balance.

Various other chickens were spread out on the path, most looking just as disgusting as the bald one. Alice had created monsters.

I shook my head in panic, looking at all the frightened people around me. "Alright guys, I call for an evacuation. Everyone run!"

**AN: What would you guys rather have next chapter, an Alice POV of the chicken attack, the Random Hermit learning the tango, or Jasper capturing Mike as the sacrifice?**


	60. Chapter 60

**AN: WOW, over 200 reviews! Thanks guys. **** I love all of you! Please R&R!**

**Mike POV**

I was jumping up and down at Edward's side. "Hurray! I'm a pirate."

"No!" Bella shouted from where she was still kneeling. "Neither of you are pirates. You, Mike, are a human. And you, Edward, are a vampire."

"Nonsense," Mike and Edward both responded at the same time, "we are pirates."

"No," Bella murmured, shaking her head. "No, no, no, no, no."

"Hey, Mike!"

I turned around, seeing Jasper and Kid walking up to me. "Hey, Jasper. Weren't you supposed to take Kid home?"

Jasper stared at me with a harsh gaze. I took a step back. Man his gaze was intense. "Yes, but something more important came up."

I stared at him, completely confused. "Okay…and what would that be?"

There was a moment of silence, and then Jasper shrieked, "Get him!"  
>Kid leapt at me the same time Jasper did. They lifted me above their heads, chanting in some weird and probably made up language as they did so.<p>

"No! Fig Newton-Beard," Edward cried. He went to run after Jasper and Kid to rescue me, his pirate companion, but Bella tackled him to the ground. "No, Bella. What are you doing?"

"Letting that weirdo escape."

"NO!"


	61. Chapter 61

**Random Hermit POV**

This tango I was supposedly supposed to be learning was extremely difficult. It was more difficult than the difficulty of trying to understand a very difficult equation that begins with the word difficult and then ends with the word difficult and is also multiplied by ten times the infinite value of difficult. Hm, that was very difficult to understand.

So my tango is uh…mastered for now, so how about I tell all of you lovely people a story now?

There once was a man named Ralph. Ralph hated pickles but loved movies about pickles. Unfortunately, there weren't many movies about pickles in the old days of 2012. Yes, Ralph was deprived of the luxuries of the iPhone 5 (that no one really gives a shit about). Ugh, what a crime.

Anyway, Ralph decided to go out and create his own movie about pickles. It failed, never made it to the box office, and Ralph's dreams were ruined. But then by some miraculous Maximum Ride style experiment, Ralph was turned into a pickle (which he still hated). He then made a movie about himself and was happy again. THE END.


	62. Chapter 62

**Mike Newton POV**

I woke to a room that was pitch black. Huh, that's weird. I don't even remember fainting. Suddenly, a light flickered on. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to adjust to the sudden brightness.

The light was solely focused on my, the rest of the room remaining the same pitch black as before. I glanced around in confusion. "Hello?"

"Hush, Mike," a small, child-like voice answered. "This won't take very long, not very long at all."

I squinted my eyes, attempting to see past the unending shadows. In front of me, leaning against the wall, was a small silhouette. I blinked again in disbelief. "Kid?"

There was a tiny sarcastic and critical laugh, and then Kid stepped into the light. "Yes, Mike. Are you happy to see me?"

"I mean no, not really. I'm just like super confused," I replied, leaning back to try and stretch my curved spine. It was beginning to get really sore and stiff.

Kid stared at me blankly for a moment, and then he narrowed his eyes. "Alright, smartass, I'll leave you to be alone then." With that, Kid disappeared into the darkness once again.

"Alright, peace!" I called to him.


End file.
